Hello!!

Hi everyone! First of all, sorry because I have been absent for a while from this rambling thingy. Did you guys miss me? You miss me?Really? How sweet of you! I miss you guys too!
As usual, I won't tell you the reason of I have been away because it's so damn typical like always. It's one of the reason that most people used to choose till death. Everybody knows it so well.
Okay...where should I start my story-mory thing? Should I write about my feeling first? or should I write about my career? My beloved students? Which one, which one???Well........ actually I have no interesting story-mory to be shared. As you all know....My hectic-superb-busy life had just started. Yahooo!!!!!!! I don't even have time to switch on my baby lappy. I don't even have time to go out and have a very nice dinner. I don't even have time to take a nap after work. I don't even have time to hug Mr. Brownie after work. All I have is time to finish my workload. What a life..................
I admit that I'm superb busy lately. I wake up at 5.30 a.m. or maybe 6.00 a.m. sometimes. Then I sleep around 1-2 in the morning. See? If only you were in my shoes.... But the good thing of being in the state of "hoping for 25 hours a day" is that I managed to put aside my feeling of anxiety and eats away all my worries. And that makes me happy. Happiness in the middle of stress. Apakah?
Today my lecturer came and observed me at school. Well...he said overall okay. But I need to improve more on:
1. Giving input to students. He said I have to try to be like them so that I could evaluate and ensure that what I'm going to deliver is understood by them. Erm...how am I suppose to put myself in a 9 years old child's shoes?
2. Louder my voice. He said that I'm so soft. I should be more tough. I'm not like that. I don't know how to raise my voice. Erm...tell me. How should I change this?

Okay then. I need to hug my Mr. B. He's waiting. Till then.

My Lil Bro

Tadi pergi print and photostat worksheet for my dear pupils esok. Then dekat CC tu adela budak-budak MRSM yg outing. Seeing those kids remind me about my lil brother. I miss him so much. Last time I met him was about 2 or 3 months ago. Thank god ade YM...boleh la chat. For my lil bro, study smart and strive for success. Sis is missing ya right now!

Me and adik

Unfair

Now I can confess that life is unfair. And it's for sure we knew from that statement - we cannot always get what we want in our life. Cause if we does, it means life is so damn fair. Right?And please allow me let out everything from my chest or should I say "May I continue nagging?". This is my blog by the way, my room. Hey, I'm not trying to be a narcissist. I just want to settle down with my emotions here.

Lets get back to the business. I had a major argument with him last night. And somehow I feel sort of like giving up..you know having this kind of relationship. Things are not going good enough for me at the moment. It's not that I'm too selfish. No. Not at all. Never in my life, I'd been selfish with others. There is no word such as selfish in my life dictionary. I'm just too naive. Yes. That's the best word for a perfect description. NAIVE. Let's say that you are in the middle of stress and you have a problem, for sure you will look for your mate... i mean your partner. Why? Because this person is much more closer to you than your family. Pardon me if i'm wrong. But for me, there are certain things that I need to share with my partner. Things like my study, my work. I love my family so much and I don't want to make them worry. As i told you earlier..my parents' smile worth more than sunshine. He said "I'll call you tonight". Ha! Feel a little bit of relief. I waited for him to call me since that Sunday night until last night. Sadly, my phone didn't ring at all. Tell me, what should I react? What? you think i'm pathetic? Like I care. I'm human, you stupid!I have feelings like you too.

This isn't the first time I had to sacrifice my feeling. I had to forget everything all by myself. Again and again. It isn't fair for me sometimes. It really does. "Ko ni bodoh ke ape? ( are stupid or what?)". The most common answer that I've got when I share it with my friends. There are lots of things that you'd done to me before. I just keep quite. But I don't want to start it because past is past. And if i start it right now, my tears won't stop. And this entry will going to be the longest entry ever. I know some people blame it all on me. Well, you just don't know the story. The true story. How I walk in the rain, how I walk from SACC to Seksyen 7..just to send you a pizza. A custom made pizza, okay? How I struggle myself inside that sardine-packed train and waited for you at MidValley than you canceled the date the moment I reached there? How I felt when you left me ALONE at the bench, asked me to wait for you while you went meeting with other girl? I didn't get mad at all. Because I trust you. And I love you. But you? Have you ever thought how I felt at that moment?

I changed a lot. Seriously. I changed myself the way you want me too. All I asked is please be sensitive. Not all the time..just for sometimes. I don't want your money. I'm not that materialistic when it comes to my love life. All I asked from you is attention. I need your attention. Is that hard for you? Urgh..I hate this feeling. Please..Let me out from this misery.

. . . (T_T) . . .

Hope.

Even I know it won't come true but I keep on hoping.

Hope.

Even my last drop of tears running down on my cheek, i keep on hoping.

Hope.

Even I know that i'm just having too much of hopes, but I keep on praying.

Praying that someday, somehow, somewhere, miracles will come.

Then my hope won't be just a hope anymore, but it become REALITY.

I just hope that I get what I've been hoping for.

And I just hope I won't be hopeless anymore.

Still hoping.

I need a miracle.

(T_T)

I am now.........................

craving for more chocolates! It translated into extra and superb stress..blend with rich frustration and mild unstable emotion for me. A very perfect description, don't you think?

I bet i'm not the only woman in this world who needs chocolates more than everything. *Of course money do come first! Always* Especially when you are not in a very good mood. I just finished my half full packet of Daim within 10 minutes. Aha! Sounds like I'm so not stable right now.

Women had always described chocolates with one word- Sinful. But despite so, did you guys know that 99% of all women love chocolate and they may actually prefer chocolate more that everything, even sex? Yes. I made a research just now by reading articles and past researches about choc & women, which I found out to be so much interesting!! But I guess it's not just the women who love it..I bet almost everybody would love it too.

Okay....Tell me one thing. Who can resist the pleasant taste of the rich chocolate when it melted in your mouth? I'm sure it delivers a very superb wonderful taste right through your tongue, doesn't it?Well...according to an article, phenylethylamine inside chocolate gives it a very wonderful taste. It is the same chemical that released in your brain when you fall in love? Which means leading you to that increase in the pounding of your heart - or should I say a sudden gush of excitement feeling. Some people used to call it as "Love Chemical".Enough for the fact for now. You can continue reading the facts of chocolate and women on your own. Where to find? Just google for it lah!!!!

I'm truly madly deeply craving for chocolates. It's not that I'm stress with work. No. Not at all. I love my job as much as I love kids. It's about my relationship. I need chocolates to help me in implementing emotional intelligence competency. I really do.

Oh yes! Before that, to all dudes who read my blog, chocolate will be a perfect gift for your love. Just like buying roses during anniversary or maybe birthday, chocolate can never go wrong. And hey, did you know that roses also contained the "Love Chemical"- Phenylethylamine? That explains for its distinct scent. The both could be the best combination ever, don't you think? Urgh....enough!enough! I need chocolates. Please send me one!

(^_^)

Two words...HAPPY and RELIEF.

Yes! Yesterday and today.

2 days at school without the presence of the Headmaster.

Yay!!!!!!!!

Have you ever...............................

had your favourite days of the week? You know...things like you hate Mondays because Mondays are dreadful simply because they are Mondays..or Fridays and Saturdays that you are looking forward to as fun and exciting days of some sort like party and shopping and whatsoever...

From the time I was a child, I always had favourite days of the week. Even before I went to school, weekend days of Saturdays and Sundays were my favourite days of the week. You know why? It seemed most of the time adults were off of work and school on those days. So, it translated into extra time for me, my parents and my sisters & brothers to have fun togetheron those days.

When I started going to school, it didn't change. Schools were off on the weekend- which means no classes. Only as I started getting into the higher grades did I become annoyed with Mondays. Black Mondays!!!!!!Urghhh!!!! After the fun of the average weekend, who could settle down and concentrate on things like math and science? I wasn't alone actually. Classmates also confessed the same thing and actually weren't too thrilled with Sunday nights, either, although they were still considered part of the cherished weekend.

When I went to universities, my likes and dislikes of certain days seemed to revolve around the schedules that my lecturers made for quizzes and tests. I started to hate Thursdays because I had class right after 6 hours of kitchen classes. I started to hate certain days when I had Management of Information System or any other classes like with Miss Rozie where I had to be really prepared before class.. Their classes actually rather ruined the night before that days too because...you know..of course, I had to take time from my precious leisure hours to devoted studying and reading the text book which I called "Bedtime Stories". Also, I had to cancel my dates!!!

Now that I'm getting older and am fulfilling my dreams at Terengganu, I think back and realized that my favourite days of the weeks had totally changed. I have to work on Sundays and no more "Saturdays Night Fever" things. By the moment some of my friends are having fun with their family and friends, having picnic or slumber party on that Saturdays night...I have to get ready to work and be prepared. Since I'm here, I really really miss my favourite Sundays. And of course Saturdays night. Urghh........ Now.. my favourite days of the week are Thursdays and Saturdays. What about Fridays? I don't like it either. You know why? Most of the shops and restaurants here are closed on Fridays. Boring isn't it? Huh.. That's reality. And reality bites me.

And you? What is your favourite days of the week?

Blog?

Some people asked me this question that I couldn't give the answer in detail- if I've been given only about a minute to give the answer and only a few lines to write that many reasons. "Why do you blog?". There many reasons for blogging actually. For example, one of the blogger put his best in giving the description of blogging. He said " We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our reactions run as causes and return to us as results." A very perfect description, don't you think?

Well, I started blogging past 2 years ago largely to pass time and share my feelings, my thoughts, my experiences and my hobbies- like everyone did I guess. I have several friends with blogs specifically dedicated to technologies, photography, relationship or even for fashion and gossips. And yet, I know that I'm not so focused. It's probably because I'm passionate about too many things. And perhaps because a blend of different topics allows that passion to come through in a voice I don't hear in quite the same way inside a blog about one thing. And for me blog is like the journal of my life. My PERSONAL life. Well..frankly, I want to write about things that make us feel human - happiness, sorrow, pain, failure, loneliness, so on and so forth. As for me, it's the humanity I see in a blog that keeps me coming back even if I try so hard to stop.

Moreover, for me, blogs should show personality. If you pay attention to someone's human side, you are bound to get fresh perspective certainly a good reason to read new blog or even start to have a new conversation. I admit that a small part of me, however, as selfishly hoping for admiration *at least some of friends are now become blogger too* and affirmation- a shallow attitude that I've long abandoned. Eventually, I discovered the joy via this "invisible threads" and "sympathetic fibers"; those human connections made along the way. Sometimes I tend to be lovely comfort of strangers and other blogger that I knew too.

You see...In life, we all had a favourite room we retreated to as a child and today, as an adult. well...you know, the room where we go disappear and just be ourselves. Same goes to my blog. My blog is my room. When I log on, I'm entering one of my favourite rooms, a place where I can think, express and be myself. Here, I write whatever comes to my mind- things that I passionate about, feelings that turn my life in to a mess, people I care about and issues or things that disturb or alarm me.

I know mostly I blog to express myself and reach to others because I want to tell something to no one specific and get it off from my chest. However, there are some people think it's because I'm a narcissist and highly think of myself, in simple word- selfish. I don't mind it at all. I don't stop or quit. In fact, I update my blog for almost everyday. I keep blogging because I've met so many great people like you through this medium. And i'm amazed to be introduced to a blogger i've never met!

And that's why I blog. You?

What A Day!

As you all know, today's my first day at school as a pre-service teacher. Oh,I forgot to mention the name of the school, isn't it? Hurm.......I think better not to mention it here because I'm sure most of you don't have any idea where the school is. Well...I could just say it's a school situated in quite remote area. I've been bitten by mosquitoes like 4-5 times!! Serious.

Okay..Conclusion of the day.....one word. TIRED!!!!! I'm so tired even though it's only my first day. Never knew that the school is so active in extra curricular activities. After school, I went back home, performed my Zuhur prayer then get ready in sport attire because I had mini-marathon training. Phew~ But don't worry. I'm fine. I want to be a teacher that will make a big impressions on my school. Whoa! Go girl!

You see.....My first day as a teacher at school brings back so much memories when I was in elementary school. I still remember vividly the teacher who made a big impression on me. And a person that I would always remember would be my Mathematics teacher, Miss Rohaya. I used to be a very active student when I was in Year 6. I played netball. Everyday I had training. I became lazy and lazy until I failed my Mathematics paper. As a prefect, I shouldn't fail any paper. But she helped me realized that there was still room for improvement. In results to her aid, I managed to get A in my UPSR and always get good grades in Maths even when I was in high school. *I'm talking about Modern Maths here, not Add Maths..*But..I couldn't force myself to study Maths because I hate playing with numbers. Huu~

Okay..I think it's enough for now. I'll update later when I have time. Promise.=)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day.

The day that everyone has been waiting for.

The day that my hectic life as a teacher begin.

The day that I need to be committed to my career.

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow will sure come and no one can stop tomorrow from coming.

Wish me luck.

*Wondering how will my student look like*

Colour Splash

Seems I'm stuck in this boredom state for the whole day, I learned a new thing. Recently I'm so interested in photography- well after Amir gave me opportunity to hold and actually used his DSLR camera. Wee~
Okay..lets get back to our business. Here are some of the photos that I edited by using colour splash technique. Kindly dropped me any comment. As a beginner, I need some positive comments so that I could improve in my new hobby. Thanks!

Colour splash 1

Colour splash 2

Colour splash 3

Nice isn't it? I'm currently addicted to colour splash!!

When I'm get old

I know that I had already mentioned to all of you that my grandfather came and visited me last month. But I just mentioned about him just a little bit, isn't it? Well he is my ONLY grandparents that I have now. I lost both of my grannies years ago and my grandfather (my dad's father) died before I was born. I could feel how happy he was to see his daughter's family and his grand grandchildren. I could see that despite his spirit remains alive but of course...I cannot deny that his physical abilities has decreased naturally. I can vividly remember the way he was holding a cup of coffee during breakfast. He was trembling. Perhaps that cup seems so heavy for him. Well....It makes me start to think how if I'm getting old like him? Therefore, whatever I had felt and imagined, I pour it into this post.

I know it for sure that if I'm getting old and gray, I will start thinking about my past. But...will I be loved like before? Will I be alone and scared? Who will care about me?

If I'm get old...I will no longer remember how to tie the shoelaces. I will need someone to bathe me. I will spilled my food on the table. And when my leg has been too weak to walk, I will need someone to support me walking. I will no longer blogging. In fact, I will need someone to remember me for about everything- the day, the date, the month or even the topic of my conversation. Truthfully, I don't need people to keep on remember me about something. All I need is my husband and my children to always be there right by my side. So that I won't feel alone and scared.

Now I realized the feeling of senile citizens. Lets shower our love ones, our parents, our grandparents with loves and cares. Hopefully your love to the elderly and your parents will be more.

Atuk (My grandfather)